


Fuck, Marry, Kill

by TwinVax



Series: Critrole Stories [16]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Not Serious, fuck marry kill done dumbly, its just a crack fic folks, mentions of guest characters, zone of truth spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 00:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15183143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwinVax/pseuds/TwinVax
Summary: The Mighty Nein play a game of Fuck, marry, kill on Jesters behest. Also on her Zone of Truth spell.





	Fuck, Marry, Kill

Jester made sure everything in the room was locked down and inescapable before the game started, so they had to play with her. That, and her pleading face made it difficult for them to say no, so they were more than happy to indulge her. 

Otherwise, Nott could have totally unlocked everything, if she wanted to. Definitely. 

“Can we choose people who aren’t in the group?” Nott asked. 

Jester shrugged, “Sure! If we know them too, I don’t see why not!” 

And so the game started.

* * *

Jester rounded on Beau first, “Fuck, marry, kill, Cali, Molly, and yasha.” 

Beau barely thought for a second before she blurted out, as truthful as the spell forced her to be, “Fuck Cali, marry Yasha, kill Molly. No question, even if I am warming up to him.” 

“Thanks.” Molly said, stopping himself from saying anything else. 

Jester smiled, nodding happily, “Alright! Your turn to ask anyone Beau!”

Beau frowned, “Is that how this game works?”

“It is now!” 

* * *

Beau thought for a long moment, before she glared at Molly, “Fuck marry kill, Jester, Fjord and Kiri.”

Caleb sighed, “I feel like it isn’t smart to involve a child in this specific game.” he said carefully. 

Molly waved his hand, “It’s fine, I would never…well, I was about to say harm in any way, but I would kill Kiri, so I suppose that’s harming. Fuck Fjord, marry Jester. She would be delightful, and I’m sure Fjord is very impressive in bed.”

Fjord’s blush traveled down his neck with a life of it’s own, “Much appreciated…” 

“I would kill you if you ever hurt Kiri.” Nott threatened, Jester nodding immediately her agreement. 

“Kiri is a good girl, and she is so great, don’t be a jerk Molly! Now it’s your turn though.” 

* * *

Caleb sighed again in as many minutes, “I would not fuck or marry any of the three chosen. I do not like this game very much.”

“Oh please just play Caleb! Please!” Jester pleaded, “Ill redo the zone of truth if you make us wait for you, we will do this forever! It’ll probably be fun actually.” 

“Fine.” Caleb said shortly, “I would fuck Fjord, marry Beau, and kill Yasha, as difficult as that might be to do, in this hypothetical scenario that may never happen.”

“Thank you Caleb~”

* * *

“Fuck Shakasta, marry Jester, kill Molly.” Nott said after a long drink from her flask. 

“Shakasta isn’t even the person I said, Nott.” Caleb said gently, sitting beside her on the bed. 

“I’d kill Molly and Fjord then, not interested in any of those choices that way.” she grumbled, leaning against his shoulder for support. 

Jester shrugged when everyone looked to her, “That’s fine for now, but no more changing names from now to forever!”

* * *

Nott huffed, intoxicated as she stared at the room from where she was curled on Caleb’s lap, “ _Jester_!” she screamed, while Caleb soothingly brushed his fingers through her hair. “Those three things, with, with Caleb, me and, and, Yeza. You fucking know his name! It counts!” she growled, eyes closed. 

“This sounds like there isn’t any right answer here.” Fjord muttered, low enough only Jester heard, “Especially when she’s like this.” 

“It’s fine.” Jester whispered, looking over at Nott, “I would marry all three of you, of course!” 

Yasha and Beau frowned, “That’s allowed?” the monk demanded. 

Jester nodded quickly, “It is! I don’t wanna upset her by saying I’d kill any of them. Technically the only thing not allowed is changing names, technically.” 

“That’s adorable.” Molly said in Infernal. 

* * *

“Fjord~” Jester singsonged. 

He looked at her, “What you got for me, Jester?” 

“Fuck, marry, Kill, Me, Cali and Shakasta.” 

He was silent for a minute as he considered, before he shrugged and said, “Fuck shakasta I suppose, Kill Cali, and marry you.” 

Jester made a sound between elation and horror. 

* * *

After Jester calmed, Fjord paused, confused, “Who hasn’t been asked? I think we did everyone?”

“Ask one of us again with different people.” Molly suggested. 

He nodded, contemplating, “Right, okay.” he looked at everyone, Caleb on the bed where he was still brushing his fingers through Nott’s hair, the goblin passed out in his lap. Molly and Beau sitting with their backs against the wall. Jester just as eager about the game as she was at the start. 

“Wait a fuckin’ second.” he said, focus snapped over to Yasha where she did her level best to hide from anyone’s gaze.

Yasha shrugged, “I’m good not playing.” 

“It’s only fair ya do after Caleb said he’d kill ya.” 

Yasha seemed to consider, “Ok.” 

“Of the three choices of things to do, who would ya do them to. Jester, Beau or Cali.”

“In that order, honestly.” 

Molly cackled as Beau choked on her drink. 

* * *

The spell finally faded once everyone was done, and Jester let them out. She was so pleased it had gone so well! 

Even better, she knew so much more about her friends than before!


End file.
